GIVING PATTERNS MARRIAGE ASSESSMENT

Leo Tolstoy said, "We do not love people so much for the good they have done us, as for the good we have done them." Rate your giving to your spouse in each category below on a scale from 1-10. Calculate your score and compare it with the assessment scale below.

Rating	Giving Patterns
select 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	SPECIAL OCCASION GIFTS. Do you buy your spouse a gift for their birthday, your anniversary, and other special holidays and occasions? How thoughtful is the gift? Did you just buy anything, or could your spouse feel your presence in it?
select 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	SURPRISE GIFTS. Do you give your spouse surprise gifts? Will you sometimes go out of your way for no logical reason to bring your spouse a gift?
select 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	CHORES. Do you give your spouse a break by sometimes doing their chores? How often? Do you have to be asked or do you sometimes surprise your spouse? Do you expect the same in return or do you unselfishly give? Are you tuned-in to when your spouse really needs a break? Do you know when your spouse needs your help? What about all the chores that are not clearly your responsibility or your spouses? Do you just do them when it needs to be done so your spouse doesn’t have to? Do you change the diaper or the light bulb without being asked?
select 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	FREE TIME. Do you give your spouse free time for themselves by relieving them of obligations or chores? Do you ever take the kids for an afternoon so your spouse can do their shopping, catch up on their work, or just relax? Are you tuned-in to when your spouse needs some free time to themselves?
select 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	YOUR TIME. Do you give your time to your spouse? Do you listen when your spouse tells you something? Do you ask questions and take the time to take interest?
select 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	SEX. Are you a giver? Are you concerned about meeting your spouse’s needs? Do you ask how you can meet their needs? Do you ask if you have met their needs? Does satisfying sex to you mean pleasing your partner too, or do you measure it according to your pleasure?
select 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10	YOUR PRESENCE. How much of your heart and soul is in your giving? Can your partner feel your presence in your presents? ASSESSMENT SCALE 0-38. OUT OF SHAPE. Learn some new skills or your marriage may not make it. 39-58. AVERAGE. If you're trying to restore your marriage, this won't do it. 59-70. MARRIAGE FITNESS CHAMPION. Well done!

PRIORITY MARRIAGE ASSESSMENT

One of the most important skills to learn in order to succeed in your marriage is to "put love first." In other words, to have a good marriage, your spouse and your relationship has to be the absolute highest priority in your life--bar none. Answer the questions below �true� or �false� and see how you're doing. Compare your score with the assessment scale below.



True False

1. When my spouse phones, I almost always make time to talk.
2. If I�m with my spouse and someone else phones, I usually don�t take the call.
3. I speak to my spouse about non-logistical matters at least twice per day.
4. When something significant happens in my life, I almost always share it with my spouse first.
5. I initiate positive loving physical contact with my spouse at least twice each day.
6. When we go to a social function, I almost always spend at least half my time talking with my spouse.
7. When my spouse walks into the house, I almost always interrupt whatever I am doing to greet my spouse.
8. When I walk into the house, the first thing I usually do is greet my spouse.
9. I spend more time interacting with my spouse than I do watching TV.
10. I spend more time interacting with my spouse than anyone else in my life.
11. I usually interrupt whatever I am doing if my spouse wants my attention.
12. When I need someone to talk to, I almost always talk to my spouse.
13. I almost always recognize in a significant way my spouse�s birthday, our anniversary, and other special days.
14. My spouse and I go out alone together at least once per week.
15. My spouse and I go on vacation alone together at least once per year.
16. I have photographs of my spouse in my office, wallet, or gym locker.
17. I have at least one personal and meaningful discussion with my spouse per week for a minimum of twenty-five minutes.
18. I do unnecessary thoughtful things for my spouse regularly.

How could everything change so dramatically?

�The difficultly with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but we must live with a character.�
- Peter Devries

We can only appreciate the profundity of this statement if we understand what is meant by CHARACTER.

�Personality� is easy to understand. Your �personality� is how people experience you. It�s your public persona.

But what is �character?� And why is �character� so crucial in your marriage?

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

Let me say that again so you can read it slowly and really digest it this time.

Character is who you are when no one is watching.

You see, when you and your spouse met, you met each other�s PERSONALITIES. You showed your spouse and you were shown by your spouse your public personas. I�m not saying you tricked each other. It�s just your personality�how you display yourself to others.

But marriage lasts too long in too close quarters for anyone to sustain a public persona. Personalities eventually give way to an INNER SELF that gets revealed for the first time. And there you each stand, naked as if no one is watching. But someone is watching. And that�s when you meet for the first time�again!

You and your spouse don�t meet the person who charmed each other�s friends, bought gifts for each other�s parents, and always smiled from ear to ear. No, this time it�s a meeting of your CHARACTERS.

In many cases, it�s not only that you�re meeting each other for the first time, but it�s that you�re meeting YOURSELVES for the first time.

Most people wouldn�t be caught dead treating anyone the way they treat their spouse. Most people don�t recognize their own behavior. �I�m just not myself with him/her.� Well then who is that person? That�s YOU�it�s your character. (And your spouse meets their character.)

The reason so many people fail at marriage and an attempt at marriage renewal is NOT that they don�t like their spouse. It�s that they don�t like THEMSELVES. And while everyone else in their life is like a mirror reflecting their personality; their spouse is a mirror reflecting their character. And most people don�t like what they see.

Many people would rather choose to be with someone else than remain with their spouse and have to continue to be with themselves. (Did you get that?)

Balthasar Gracian wrote in his 17th century manual on success, The Art of Worldly Wisdom, as follows: �You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage.�

Marriage renewal and individual character development go hand-in-hand.

Mort Fertel
Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked me a
question. She said, "How do I know if I married
the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next
to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your
husband?"

In all seriousness, how do you know?

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning,
you fell in love with your spouse. You
anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and
liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In
fact, it was a completely spontaneous
experience. You didn't have to DO anything.
That's why it's called "falling" in love - because
it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my
feet." Think about the imagery of that
expression. It implies that you were just
standing there; doing nothing, and then something
came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and
spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria
of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY
relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls
become a bother (if they come at all), touch is
not always welcome (when it happens), and your
spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,
drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every
relationship, but if you think about your
marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference
between the initial stage when you were in love
and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start
asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as
you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of
the love you once had, you may begin to desire
that experience with someone else. This is when
marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse
for their unhappiness and look outside their
marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and
sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But
sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a
friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie
outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love
with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY
you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same
situation a few years later. Because (listen
carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN
MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S
LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous
experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You
can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it
day in and day out. That's why we have the
expression "the labor of love." Because it takes
time, effort, and energy. And most importantly,
it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to
make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love
is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you
can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed
with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe
(such as gravity), there are also laws for
relationships. Just as the right diet and
exercise program makes you physically stronger,
certain habits in your relationship WILL make
your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and
effect. If you know and apply the laws, the
results are predictable - you can "make" love.

Marriage Fitness a step-by-step system for making
and maintaining love in your marriage. And the
program works for any marriage even if only one
spouse does it.

So what's your first step?

Testimony of a BREAKTHROUGH for your marriage and relationship.

My wife and I were deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking, surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.

But then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died when he was just one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as newborns.

Your situation probably was not so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other? Or maybe you can't put your finger on why things aren't the same anymore. That's common too.

For us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and silent treatments.

Somewhere deep in our heart though, like you, we knew we didn't want to lose each other. So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife didn't. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn't. Sometimes we tried together. We went through different stages of "trying."

What did we try?

We tried the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I understood you correctly." We applied conflict resolution strategies. My wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to counseling to wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.

Because all the advice we got (books, counselors...whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But that just made us feel worse. And fight more.

As long as the "right" way wasn't working, why not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince each other of our way. You tried that too, right? Obviously, that doesn't work. Finally, we had a breakthrough.

We decided to SET ASIDE OUR PROBLEMS. We didn't talk about them at all. We didn't bring them up even once. Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits that brought positive energy to our marriage.

This is the solution to most marital situations—to "step away" from your problems and spend your time and energy building your relationship through positive actions. If you do this RIGHT, your problems will dissipate, the threat of divorce will go away, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant. Slowly but surely you will come closer together again.

Now you're probably wondering, “How do I stay away from the very problems that plague me? What healthy habits or relationship techniques can bring us closer together? And what if my spouse doesn't cooperate?”

That's EXACTLY what I'll teach you. I'll answer those questions and more so you get the results you want. Let me be more specific. Here's what you'll learn in The Marriage Fitness Audio Learning System:

The Power Of One : Pearls Of Wisdom

The Power Of One : Pearls Of Wisdom

DON'T BE DEFINED BY YOUR NOW,YOUR FUTURE IS SECURE IN CHRIST JESUS.

BE STILL AND KNOW HE IS GOD.

Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.(Habakkuk 3:17).


STAND FIRM,HE IS IN IT WITH YOU.
In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.(JOB1:22).

For since he himself has now been through suffering and temptation, he knows what it is like when we suffer and are tempted, and he is wonderfully able to help us.(Hebrews 2:18)LB.



YOU WILL BE RESTORED.
And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.So the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning:(JOB 42:10,12)